Here I am! Back at it again, thank you mania.
I want to apologize for my absence. Depression is one hell of a mood killer. I did not want to even pick up my laptop, let alone get out of bed. I had no idea that my depressive episode would last months.
Even though I was diagnosed almost 4 years ago, I am still learning sooo much about myself. I have noticed that I have gotten a lot worse over the years, My depressions drag out longer and I find it hard to live my life. My mania is more intense and hard to control. I just hope it doesn’t get any worse. I do enjoy doing research on mental illnesses, especially my own. I have bought so many books/workbooks/magazines and printed out so many articles to try to learn more about myself. Unfortunately, it doesn’t teach me how to completely cure myself.
With my mania (and I will talk about this more in a later blog), I expected it to be how it normally is. It’s hard to explain how it usually is because I’m used to how it is now. This time is different because, let’s just say it feels like I’m on Adderall. Tunnel vision. I am more focused and motivated and willing to do things. Cleaning seems to be it this time (thank God, right?). Once I start, I cannot stop, and if someone is trying to stop me, that becomes an issue. A good thing is that I have been motivated to start my blog back up! I feel as though you will be able to tell between manias and depressions by how, or if, I blog, haha!
My manic episodes mean that I have less need for sleep, so I will be cleaning at 3:00am on weekdays and think nothing of it. I hardly eat. My words and movements are much faster. I have an issue with consuming too much alcohol when manic. I am apathetic to most things, including my own feelings if that makes sense. I just sweep them under the rug, knowing damn well that will be something that hurts me later. I am weirdly more suicidal when I’m manic. This is mostly because of risky feelings and behaviors, like spending too much. There are days I forget to take my morning medication, but usually I take everything as I should. I feel as though this whole pandemic as well as hormones threw me into a random manic episode.
I just wanted you guys to get an idea of what people with bipolar disorder can go through, depending on the severity of their episodes.
I also wanted to say hey, hi, hello, hopefully I’m back for awhile. I plan to keep up writing and posting because I really do enjoy this. And I plan to finally put out the Generalized Anxiety post either tomorrow or the day after. It’s almost done!
It’s good to be back!